I am the image of the invisible

bonsoir, tout le monde! commen ca va? je ca va pas tres bien… mais c’est ok… neways… cldn’t write nething fo a while, had lotsa stuffz to do past few weeks, debate, exams, debate, research, did i mention debate? lol, i noe i did, juz tormenting u a bit there…. whoever you may be and whatever your reason for reading this….. they’re watching all of us! lol, kidding! nvm…. neways, been busy wit debate recently, not to mention exams….. we entered in the Wira cup and teacher pickd a fresh team.. WHY? dunno why lar… neways, our line up was Fiqah, Mellini, Kay Lynn, Sam and Ru Jin… i was juz there as researcher and i wasn’t the only one but i was all that was left in the end… it’s like when u have a kuah berlauk dan lepas dah makan dah ada like kuah sikit and like one lauk-y thingy left over? that was me……… neways, wat i’ve gotten from this debate experience? 1. the name Mama Roselyn 2. gotten to know ms.nur better 3. Brackenwoood!!!!!! 4. got to see sam’s hse 5. fiqah can now discuss debate stuffs wit me! another convert, lol! exams SUCKED! failed evrything except english i think…. the quality of english papers nowadays are appaling!…………….continue this later…. gtg for now……

anyways, as i was saying in my last post, the quality of english papers nowadays suck! i mean, no off, i don’t get 100% all da time or anything but anyone who has seen the PMR paper last year will noe wat i mean…. Neways, all is not as it seems and it seemed that fiqah would noe be able to discuss debate stuffz eit me but apparently, all she got from this was trauma and evrytime i say the ‘d’ word she breaks out in panic and denial with symptoms like chronic hand-waving, ashen facedness, repeated ramblings that sound like "why? no! not debate! nooo! don’t talk about that, man!" etc. it’s a sad thing to see at such a young age but i think her family will be able to accept it…. lol, kidding! i sound like i’m describing a bloody disease (it was what i ws trying to sound like… i’m typing these couse some ppl see it but don’t think about it at all and i’m left with an air of expectation which is never sated) no, no, fiqah’s fine but she is traumatised and does panic when i speak of the ‘d’ word. not exactly panic but a version of it, lol. neways, i realised lately that school is wearing me down and turning my brain into mush…….. i’m more quiet in class nowadays and people keep asking me i’m ok, actually, only fiqah does (no-one else cares that much about me, thx for caring fiqah) couse she has to put up with me all day, evryday and the only break she gets is when school let’s up or when she has ‘prefectly duties’ which i, being the scoundrel i am cannot partake in…… my brain is turning into mush! seriously, i can’t even come up with a decent idea and most of my time in school is punctuated with brief moments of relization then it’s back to lethargic bewilderment…. help! i’m feeling soo suicidal this year.. and i just found out we can’t have free reign over our oral topic this year, woohoo, i’m gonna get a government endorsed topic, must be soooooooo awesome! NOT! and after all this mush-creating and suicide provoking, the government dares to complain about malaysian capabilities… no wonder malaysian music is trashy (no off to all malaysian artists out there but rite now i don’t give a flying..) i need to soak my brain in some cold water and while i’m at it maybe i’ll try and solidify what i can and try to piece it together with what solid chunks there are left……. maybe that way i’ll be at least be able to understand what teacher’s mumbling about in school…

i hate men!
i hate myself!
HATE!!!!!!
why me? porquoi moi? i’m not good-looking or anything!
i guess one doesn’t have to be for perverts….
this is what i get for all the times i harrassed my friends…
i HATE him!
HATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i swear, i’m such and idiot! i hate myself!
I HATE HIM MORE!
HATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ppl, i anyone is reading this, i’m sry if you dunno wtf i’m talking abt.. i juz need to get rid of some steam…
why? why? why?
HATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

well, i’ve just realised what i want right now…. i want to have 1 perfect day….. i want to wake up rejuvenated without any of my muscles creaking in soreness, then i want to reach school early enought to have a real chat with fiqah before it all begins, then i would like to have periods of actual learning where i actually feel alive enough to give a crap about stuff and actually learn something useful and then i want to change my clothes and have a fun ko-ko activity where i don’t get burnt to crisp and pull a few muscles too hard and end up sore and then i want to go to the bus stop and wait for the bus long enough for us to have a meaningful conversation and then i would like to go home without being swirled around by foul weather and after i would like to have a nice shower and do my homework in peace after which i would like to turn on the pc and sing my tuneless heart out to whatever song comes on the speakers, blog about my lovely day and go to sleep and never wake up again if that’s possible…. god i miss the days when i went to school and had fun once in a while……. that’s all gone now………………………. maybe if i work hard i’ll be able to have that next year? yea, and maybe the moon is made out of cheese and if we give everyone in the world a good talk, all the war and suffering and daily damage we inflict on mother earth will go away! and maybe we can all hold hands and sing happy songs under a giant rainbow!

gawd! why oh why??? if anyone says learning is easier than manual labour (and mean it), i’ll never talk to them ever again! any fool can sow, weed and reap (yes, i know there’s more to that) but it takes brainpower to think and know and learn and it is MENTALLY exhausting! i don’t mind being physically exhausted, that’s curable but mentally exhausted is another thing, you need a whole bunch of stuff that don’t come easy! oh, f*** it all! at least i’m not a pow or african poverty stricken child…….. nvm, i’ll juz shut up now…

well, 2day started off fairly well, we went to KDU for the mock trial (not guilty!)…. the bus ride there was painful! i had to share a seat with 2 other ppl in a chair made for 2 ppl……..my butt wass hanging out in the aisle and ppl kept walking up and down to talk to each other, man that was painful coz i had to support my self with my left leg and most of my weight was on it and it was on the floor, in the aisle (i think you can fill in da blanks) about the trial itself, i think i’ll elaborate so, kdu ppl out there don’t take offence, k? i’m juz speakin my mind…. the trail was… urm, well here’s some o the things dat happened (not all so plz don’t kill me…. yet) : it was a case of murder, the defendant killed her childhood friend zoey who had an affair with her husband b4 (once, a long, long, time ago, there were….) but you see, zoey had been stalking and badgering and harrassing them (defendant and husband) so trial goes on and during the trail they have all sortsa stuff goin on…. like the detective was very obviously reading a script and once during their final speech, the d/a whammed the table three times
"…it was not one, but THREE shots…………………………………..*bam bam bam*," trust me, the pause was that long, we were freaked out! i was like what? and both the d/a(that’s wat they’re supposd to be neways) and the defendant counsels kept objecting "HEARSAY!" i mean they said hearsay even when it was supposd to be "OBJECTION, YOUR HONOR! SPECULATION!"(mrs.pepperpot) i admit what i am i, a lowly secondary student to know of Malaysian Law but seriously, i’m not questioning your lawyerly qualities, i’m just wondering bout your acting skills…. dudes, you’d make great lawyers but stiff actors….. neways, there was no forensic evidence presented so we didn’t reali noe wat to think but the jury returned a guilty verdict… sedihhh!

after that we went bak to skool, we ponteng the last 2 masa of class (shhhh!) fiqah was kinda un-ok wit it (sry woman! but we didn’t get caught, so it’s ok now, mommy’s here! ahemmm… ignore that) neways after that was silat… ppl, i DO like silat, i mean it’s a cultural experience (i’m being muhibah! all of you reading this are snorting at that comment i noe it!) so we did stuff, we had to tunjuk our bunga sembah (i got so confused so many times i think i did it 3 times over!) mine suckd, duh! then we had to learn this "mumble mumble OLAHRAGA!" thing, it works sorta like bunga sembah…. guess wat? i suckd! i have a slow learning curve, forgive me!(aku tidak layak memakai baju silat!) well, that was all good until…. JENG! JENG! JENG! we had to spar! i watched all these ppl sparring, and fiqah and wanee’s one was so ganas! it was all ok till suddenly cikgu nizam asks me to spar this yellow belt (form 3 ithink…?) gurl and i’m sitting there dumbfounded questioning the gods…. anyways, i got my ass up, sedia and sparred (if that’s even considered sparring) i jus punched here and kickd there and got walloped into next week! the second  or third time we pasang, she totally let loose, she like punched me and said under her breath "haaa, geram aku!" dat totally freakd me out! the next time we broke and sedia i was like "aku tidak bersalah!" the dumbest thing? she was trying to wallop me and i did a turn! i turned 360! more like 320 but who’s keeping count? lol, neways, i turn and i hear cikgu nizam going "hoi, roselyn!" it’ll suffice for me to say that wasn’t the smoothest move to make in that situation! needless to say i suckd but it turned out ok i guess….. fiqah of course was rockin! and so was nadia(h) and…. and…. omg, i forgot who i’m supposed to spar next week!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! nvm, we’ll se how it goes…. rite now my left thigh is throbbing etc and it’s kinda larger than my right one…… freakay! i don;t need all this! my thighs are already like ancient pillars of doom! tidaaaaak!!!!!!!!
well, after all of that fiqah said that she semakin lemah! i don’t agree or disagree but i think i agree coz i feel like i’m semakin lemah too! i think the last few weeks of school has been taking a toll on us…. lotsa work and not enuf sleep… if this is form 4, how will we survive form 5!!??? and now i have to do my bm work…………… wish me luck ya’ll it’s gonna be a long night!

*sorry for all the spelling mistakes, unfortunately i’m not perfect, i noe sum o y’all are, so forgive me!
**to all ppl who have read this, no offence k? ( most probly only 1 person read this! i can see you, fiqah!)

my head hurts! that one line just defined my whole day today….. today was pretty cool lah actually, went to tuition, had lunch wit some awesome chicks and dude, went for more tuition, went to market-y place and went home….
so it started with siiva’s class then faezah’s class then we went for lunc and by we i mean yoe, jo, swee and i.. had wan tan mee at sekolah memandu something/restoran something - where you learn to drive while your wan tan mee cooks! neways, we met shu pin there and man, correct me if i’m wrong but there was a vibe goin on at that table ppl… noodles, meat of dead pig, boy and girl, perfectly romantic situation eh? lol, dun wanna name names but something was goin on…lol! neways aftr that we paid a visit to times sq. and the whole "WAR" thing was explained to me… partly (btw guys, i get the whole deal now.. no off? but it seems kinda dumb to me! sry, no off but it really looks lame if you’re not involved) we walked back and jo was nearly blinded by swee (could this be the beginning of an umbrella attack? jeng jeng jeng! tune in next week to know what happens!) lol, it wasn’t malicious laa!we went for subash aftr that and whoooooo! we had a very……
*eyes narrow*
*hand grasps air like hamlet holding skull*
*eyes narrow some more*
*clutching hand becomes fist*
…….undescribable(?) class… we spent the second half of the whole classwriting ‘descriptive’ messages abt someone to each other…. i had a weird, stalker-like dude sitting next tome… he kept staring at my paper (come to think about it, maybe he wasn’t staring at my paper at all!…!!!!!) lol!
but rite now, even tho my head is throbbing, i’m juz reali happy that i have friends……at all/who care/who actually talk to me/dun realise what they’re getting theirselves into *devious grin* lol!
haih! can’t wait to get to KLCC 2mrw…. for once in SO long i’ll be able to juz be….. me?(maybe i shdn’t? that’ll freak the hell outta fiqah! lol, she might realise the error of her ways and run screaming in the opposite direction! lol) school’s been a mess from the start and the only good thing in that whole mess was my friends, the only ppl who understood me, was there for me and put up with me even when they could just wash their hands of me and be less tortured evry day….. love ya’ll! (je t’aime fiqah! j’aime tu comme tu etes RIEN de plus RIEN de moins! kaulah perempuan melayu sejati terakhir lol! i can almost see her scrunching up her face in annoyance!)
basicly, i dunno why but i’ve been depressed lately and the only thing i can look forward to is the time i spend with my friends at school and online and uh…. uh……………………….uh….
wtf? wat the hell have i been typing?! must’ve been in a trance or something… lol, juz kidding! love y’all guys!

p.s: nad, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love
      fuqah: je t’aime! je trop (or tres) aime tu, mon ami!!!!!!!

        bonjour, tout le monde! this is my first post…. ever! forgive me my spelling mistakes and missing punctuation, my brain is sorta warped right now…. if you’re reading this and wondering why i’m wasting megabytes on such a useless pathetic-excuse-for-a-blog, it’s because i have nothing to do and i was inspired by a certain blog i juz read…. ANYWAY, today i walked for thaipusam. it was different this year, very different. (before i go on, i would like to state that i am NOT a VERY religious person. i am very awkward around religion and i have no idea what’s wrong with me) this year we walked at like 2 in the morning. you see, my family and i we don’t walk from the start, we walk from somewhere in the middle? we start at sentul timur @ the murugan temple and walk on to Batu Caves (they call it batu malai in tamil i think). So, we reach sentul (we usually park outside the sentul timur train station and take a train back after) and we went to the temple and we could hear the peacocks this year but i think they were half-asleep coz they weren’t as err… outspoken(?) as last year. we waited for the chariot and while we were waiting, theree were all these sesat-entah-kenapa dudes, they were driving their cars thru the crowd! hello? it’s thaipusam not bloody gay pride?! (no offence) we DON’T have floats or vehicles! (i know, who am i to criticize them as a halfway-thru-walker but hello?) these dudes are sitting in their cars and leisurely driving thru the crowd with smirks on their faces… wtf? in last years, the only vehicles you’d see were the busses full of ladies who were singing religious songs as they went or the DBKL lorries meant to pour water on the streets for those who walked bare-footed and if there were anymore vehicles, they had reason to be there, these dudes are like sooo ntah pape ntah! (did i meantion i am long-winded?) anyways, enough abt them.
       the coolest thing was, i was standing on those railing placey thingies and suddenly i fell a tap on my shoulder, i turn around and it ash! she recognized me from behind!!! dang gurl, it was so cool that you came up to me and acknowledged my existence(cehhh). miss ya man! neways the chariot  was very green this yr, i dunno if it was any other color at all but i was green this yr…. also this yr we walked in the dark, no sun at all. when we reached batu caves the whole walk seemed kinda short…. this year there was a collossal statue of Murugan, apparently the largest in the world…

        i had a little trouble walking up this yr, i kept stopping behind ppl who were tired and my legs started to seize up but the landings were my salvation, walking on the landing kinda relaxed my muscles a bit then another climb then, you know… neways lotsa stuff had been built within the last year and now they have a shop looking place selling drinks at the top instead of the usual cartons-all-over-the-place dude. i really love the main temple at the top… it’s like u reach the top and u look up, there’s an opening in the mountain at the top, so u can see the sky and the trees silhouetted against the sky… so beautiful. if i ever own a camera, i’d take a pic of that.
        anyways, since we don’t have "indian" clothes, we just wore usual stuff. i wore my fave dark-blue polo-t and black jeans and my sis wore her adidas white top and her pants. i know we don’t look indian but it’s no excuse to troture us, k? along the way, those lifeless leeches hat call themselves "amble"s kept shouting nonsense at us! one guy actually asked fo my number (asswipe!) and this pack of morons screamed "malaykarchi!’ and then "tamilkarchi!" when we didn’t look. i’ve got a message for you boys : vera vellai illeya?! i mean, get a life lah! it SO lame! do you guys actually get chicks that way? periya manmatha rasaa! go get some condoms and stuff them down you throat! it’s SERIOUSLY annoying! it’s funny when you joke about it to ur friends but it’s LAME when you actually do it! whatever, it’s your brain-cell (not plural at all) so waste it on whatever you want!

      well on the lighter side, we ended up with some extraordinarily delicious palgova (or is it pal khova?). sadly, the dudes only sell at festivals. they dont have a restaurant…. then when we were waiting for the train, we got our tickets and we were waiting for the next train when all of a sudde, evry1 starts rushing to the exit on the other side, so ppl on our side pun rush lah and it’s likewe’re all crammed and ready to go and there’s NO BLOODY TRAIN!!! so we stood there for like half an hour waiting for a train that wasn’t gonna be there till way later! so, as we stood crammed up, i could feel ppl’s bodies on mine and i was smushed into the person in front! it was NOT a comfortable position. ppl who have seen my "physique" will understand. anyways, i concluded that in another culture we were all probably mariied by now. and my sis was like to "to all these ppl." so due to the fact that i had too much sugar in me, i started yammering away abt ‘concerto pour deux voix’ and ‘concerto pour une voix’ and ‘ba da da’ (only fiqah understands) and i concluded also that we were all crammed up coz some dude saw a squirell (sepandai-pandai tupai melompat akhirnya jatuh ke tanah juga) and pointed at it and it fell and ppl thought he was pointing at a train and thus, voila! c’est une piétiner! (i think) in other words, STAMPEDE!!! or maybe some dude who nvr saw train tracks before went "ade thaa train track aa?" and someone elses thought he saw the train on the track and you know…. all in all, it was an ok thaipusam this year, i guess….